These pictures are bits and pieces from rolls of film I’ve taken so far this year. I had a week’s intermission between portrait sessions so I thought I might post this mash-up of odd pictures that I like, and give you a little update on how things have been going up here in Aberdeen. The truth is that it’s complicated. There are some big life variables that have some rather large question marks hanging over them at the moment. Most of the time I feel confident that they’ll all work out in the end, but wishing that they would go ahead and work out sooner rather than later seems to be causing me no small amount of anxiety. It’s easy to fall into the defeatist mindset: I want x so badly, so probably I’m never going to get x. The thing is – there isn’t just an x – there is a y and a z too, and x, y, & z are all very important, and interrelated, and if we get them all then we will be the luckiest people on the planet. If we don’t get them all then I’m not sure that we will ever really be happy. Aidan and I have spent the last few months taking turns being giant stress monkeys over x, y, & z. Too be fair: I am way more melodramatic about my stress than Aidan. When Aidan gets stressed out he just gets real quiet and looks like this for hours at a time. The other thing is that we are so close – we are so close to attaining all of these things that we want, and it seems like the closer we get the more that we are plagued with doubt and fear that none of it will work out in the end after all. So – it’s like that.
Cross your fingers for us.
A number of people have asked me about the progress of my health kick. I think I’ve done pretty well actually. I’ve faithfully stuck by all of my prohibitions about 95% of the time. There have been one or two sneaky bowls of Shreddies. Aidan & I went out for Italian food with a friend the other night and I ate the heck out of some cannelloni. I also baked some sugar-free-organic-whole-wheat-apple-cinnamon muffins and accidentally ate 12 of them in one day. So – no more baking for me. I started running. I can now run 5 minutes at a time without stopping and without destroying my body. I’ve been going to yoga, and drinking my green tea. I haven’t touched alcohol since December, and I haven’t touched coffee since even before that. I perspire antioxidants. I have lost a little bit of weight. Not as much as you might expect for how puritanical my existence is, but some.
I recently attended blook club and through some cruel twist of fate one of the baristas asked us all to be judges for a cake competition. Cake after cake was paraded tempestuously before my lustful eyes, but I was good and declined even the tiniest sweet morsel. When it was all over there was one giant slice of chocolate cake left on a table, and it languished there for what felt like an eternity before someone finally put me out of my misery by gobbling it up. When I got home to Aberdeen I received a kind message from my friend Danae asking if I was alright “you seemed really stressed out” she said “I was worried about you,” and I had to tell her: it was the cake! I wanted that cake sooooooooo baaaaaad. It looked so chocolaty and wonderful. Who cares for books when there is cake?!?! So it’s not as though I am without sin in my heart, but while I didn’t necessarily maintain my composure in the face of temptation, in the end I still resisted and that’s what matters, right? Here’s hoping that THAT all pays off in the end too.